dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
