i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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