I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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