She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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