Sober January is a disaster.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
