You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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