I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
