Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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