Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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