I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
