dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
