I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
