I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
