Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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