But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
