Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
