Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Two words: blizzard sex
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
