What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
