my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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