Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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