six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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