We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I don't think brook has ever known best
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
