i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
