between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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