There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
