Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
