I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
