I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
