i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
