On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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