Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
