I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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