Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
