I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
