Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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