Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
