Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
