woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
