Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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