I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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