I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
