Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
