you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
