Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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