My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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