i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
