sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
