I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You don't make any sense
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