just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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