I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You smell like stripper and shame
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
